What happy couples do differently: the science of staying close after kids
How to answer good news: why "that's nice" is not enough
Most advice for couples is about hard times. One psychologist looked at the good moments instead, and found that the way partners answer good news can matter as much as the way they answer bad news, or more.
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The next evening, you are giving your daughter her bath. Miva comes in with her phone. "They chose my project! I'm going to lead it!" Good news is a bid too, and a big one.
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You can answer in four ways. You can be warm and curious, or kind but flat. You can point out the problem, or you can change the subject. The psychologist Shelly Gable and her team studied these four answers in couples.
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Only the warm, curious answer went with happier couples. In Gable's first studies, the polite "That's nice" did not help: it went with less happy couples too, though less clearly than the two unkind answers. In the studies, the warm answer has a long name: active constructive responding.
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Then came a surprise. In one study of 79 young couples who were dating, the team filmed each partner sharing a good event and a bad one. Two months later, the way partners had answered good news told more about who had broken up than the way they had answered bad news.
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So, with wet sleeves, you turn around. "They chose yours? How did they tell you?" Miva tells you the whole story, twice. Your daughter adds bubbles to it.
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Most evenings in your flat end like this, quietly. You and Miva rarely shout: you are too tired to fight. Is a quiet home a safe one?
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Quick check
A man tells his husband: "My boss praised my report today!" His husband answers: "Did she say anything about a raise? Probably not." Which of the four answers is that?
Show the answer
It points out the problem: it takes the good news and looks for what is missing. In Gable's studies, this kind of answer went with less happy couples.
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Go further
The names, and how sure the result is.